Unmentionables

Boxers or Briefs? The provocative question du jour. How many of us cringe when a so-called "journalist" is engaged in an embarrassing and failed attempt at looking hip by throwing out this question to their male interviewee -- "So, boxers or briefs?" We can hear the oohs and ahhs (thinking back to when Clinton was asked this question during an interview on MTV). Oh, how "edgy" to ask such a question. Please. Really? This is a question that is only interesting to women and gay men because quite honestly -- most men don't give a shit about underwear. And we care even less (if at all) about what kind other men are wearing.

Why the topic of underwear --- well... the following rant about mens' "drawers" is just a counterpoint to a fellow frustrated writer - a/k/a blogger - who wrote a very funny take on the issue of underwear from a woman's perspective. Her name is Madam Ovary and her blog can be found at: http://www.madamovarypart2.blogspot.com/

In the blog, the Madam eloquently weaves a tale of affection and emotional attachment to various ladies unmentionables and how the selection of which panties & bra to wear each day is directly connected to her particular mood. Only a woman could be so conflicted about something like underwear and have its selection & wearing be connected to one's emotional state. NEVER would this occur for a man.

Let's look at the concept of underwear in the Man Cave.

First - the idea that a woman would possess dozens of pair of underwear - with each them being a different style, fabric, and design -- and identify each as appropriate for a specific occasion or mood is just... ... odd. Most men only possess between 6-10 pair of underwear -- and they ALL look the same. They are all either boxers or briefs (rarely does any men wear both kinds). They are either all white or a solid dark color and they all can be worn for work, golf, yard work, hanging out on the couch, a romantic evening with the wife/girlfriend, or being sworn in as President of the United States. There is no difference. We open the drawer and pull out the top pair, put them on without a thought, and go. That is, unless the man at issue is gay - then God only knows what colors, styles, themes, fabrics, leathers, or flavors lurk deep inside his dresser and each pair may be labeled for certain occasions. The rest of us... couldn't care less.

As a matter of fact -- and this is probably no surprise to you married women -- most men care so little about underwear that: (1) we wear them with holes, stains, if they are stretched out, if they aren't clean, and if they are not even appropriate (i.e., thongs, bikini, etc), and (2) some men only wear underwear because we are supposed to and, left to our own devices, would probably go commando. As a matter of fact, if we didn't have women in our lives, most of us would leave the house without shaving, with mis-matched & wrinkled clothes, and enough cologne to smell like a male whorehouse. If I ever selected a pair of underwear based on my mood or the occasion... ... well... I'd probably be looking for a boyfriend instead of my wife.

While we are on the subject of a woman's undies -- let me weigh in briefly (yes, a pun). First, 90% of men couldn't give a rat's ass what their woman wears as underwear and would probably prefer she wear either something completely slutty (and obviously uncomfortable) or nothing at all (obviously, on some occasions, this is completely unsanitary). In the end, while you slowly peel off your clothes to reveal that fancy lingerie underneath -- you know, the one that matched your mood for the day -- all we are thinking about is what you look like naked and how fast we can get on top of you (or vice versa). Because in the end ladies, its what you look like NAKED that we really care about -- not the silly little overpriced lacy thing that no one ever sees and ends up in a ball 10 seconds after you take the outer layer off. Really... you can put the most beautiful & tasteful matching panties & bra set on an obese women and it won't necessarily make her sexy or desirable. But... you can put a dirty trash bag on a hot sexy woman and it only makes her sexier. I am pretty sure there isn't a guy I know who would turn away a good shagging with a Victoria Secrets model just because she's wearing "granny panties" and a mis-matched bra. As a matter of fact... if the guy even noticed she was wearing that I might suspect he is gay. Now I know I don't speak for ALL men... just most.

Of course we do enjoy the little maid costume or the satin teddy... but mostly because if you are wearing it it means we are getting some action. You see... I suspect most women actually wear these things to get themselves in the mood. Be real... I don't care if you are the maid, the chauffeur, the UPS lady, or some hooker - as long as you are going to let me bang you like a drum I am happy. Of course its also nice if you'd go down.... well... I won't go there this time.

Now... while men really don't care much about style for underwear --- we are VERY concerned with comfort. Ladies... I know you have your own crosses to bear with the whole cramps, bleeding, and swollen boobs horror that God so cruelly inflicted on you... but none of you have a bat hanging between your legs with two nectarines swinging around in a loose pouch of wrinkled skin. The equipment needs to be managed and kept safe, dry, and free from clinging to the thighs. So - the choice of boxers or briefs is made primarily with equipment comfort in mind. Now one might think that the size of the equipment would dictate the direction a man might go - but that is not necessarily true. Now I can only speak for myself... and without crossing into TMI territory here... my choice has always been about keeping control of the sometimes uncontrollable. I don't care if my Frankenstein is in a white, blue, black, or plaid cage... so long as I know he won't be making any unrequested appearances and scaring the villagers. But that's just me. Others like to leave "room to breathe" or are afraid they might end up putting the boys in a crotch tourniquet so they go for a more freeing style.

But it really isn't more complicated than that. There is no emotion involved.

So... ladies... (and Madam)... make those emotional attachments and decisions if in the end it makes YOU feel sexy. Because, as I said... if what you are wearing is directly related to my chances of getting laid - then wear whatever the hell makes you all hot and ready.... because we will be ready no matter what.

The Caveman